


Part 1

by Agin



Series: Drowning and hurting and lying and – [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Anger, Anonymous Sex, Drug Abuse, F/M, Hurt, Lies, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other: See Story Notes, Past Abuse, Rough Sex, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Violence, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-14
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-01 11:36:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1044356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agin/pseuds/Agin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>”He’s good in pretending. Pretending that he can and can’t and he will and won’t. Pretending to be good. Be all right. Pretending to be.”</em><br/>Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko is assigned to the Normandy and he’s not welcome at all.<br/>While ambassador Udina wants him to control Commander Shepard – but who could ever control that man – Kaidan tries to fight his own demons. And doesn’t even try to fight all the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Remark  
> After choosing the tags for this story I thought: Damn, that sounds pretty dark and awful. And it _is_ pretty dark and awful. But there will be some salvation as well. I just don’t know to what extent. I won’t promise anything yet. Writing this story is kind of devastating – and so becomes my mood.  
>  So… be warned.
> 
> Maybe the tags change when I post new chapters.
> 
> As some of the following chapters are almost finished, the next post won’t take too long. I’ll try to hurry – if there’s any interest in this story at all.  
> (And... Sorry, but there has been no beta-reading.)
> 
> Storyline  
> In some parts my story will differ from the events in the game – sometimes more, sometimes less – but the main features are the same.
> 
> **Warning**  
>  The sexual encounters are basically consensual but, in respect of Kaidan’s mental state, mildly dubious or on the brink of worse at times.  
> And Kaidan’s memories suggesting abuse in his past. Be careful if this could trigger you!  
> Apart from that – check the tags.

  
„Goddamnit, Alenko!” Shepard hisses. His fingers will leave bruises but there are already so many of them. It won’t make a difference.  
It never had.

“Wonna get yourself killed, Lieutenant?” Shepard eliminates three fast-approaching husks with three precise shots – he is good at that – and curses calumniously. He is good at that, too. “I’ve no need for soldiers who’re too fucking dumb, to take cover!”

Kaidan’s left foot hurts, probably sprained, and he meets his Commander’s glare with a bland expression and says: “I’m sorry, Sir,” because Shepard has every reason to act furiously.

“I don’t want your blasted excuses! I want you to buck up and fight like an asset who’s actually useful.”

“Of course, Sir.”  
Kaidan is tempted to say “Sorry” – again – just to see what’d happen and opens his mouth and holds his breath. Keeps silent.

And stays alive.

But Shepard doesn’t pay him attention any more, scans the area for enemies. Eyes bright and alerted and so very blue.  
He’s a good soldier. A good fighter. An intelligent man with shoulders which are tense and square and excluding.  
Nothing new there as far as Kaidan’s concerned. He’s been the odd man out since joining the Normandy - only tolerated because Udina wants him to be and only on this - presumed - simple mission with Shepard because the Commander gave his hard working squad one day off.  
He is not only a good soldier.

Kaidan’s bland expression doesn’t crack for the slightest, not for a tiny moment or the intake of a breath. Then, the next approaching husk explodes in an obscene burst of blood, shredded flesh and entrails, torn apart by aggressively flaring biotics.

Shepard... Kaidan positively _feels_ the Commander looking daggers at him with those piercing blue eyes. It’s strangely satisfying – the look, the blood, the noises - and Kaidan uses his biotics, just like that, again and again and again and –

**

They don’t trust him. That’s been clear at the very moment he set foot into the Normandy. And they’re right with their resentment. Kaidan hasn’t been assigned to Shepard and his crew to support them, actually. Not essentially, not for the main part.  
It may not be spoken out on the record, but his duty is reporting to Udina. The ambassador. Who is anxious for keeping control. And as he can’t truly control Shepard, he wants – at least – be informed about every single move, every eye blink, every breath, every… thing.

Kaidan doesn’t know why it’s him who has to comply with that invidious task. But then… he _does_. He knows the truth. Humiliating but- Not at all against any expectations.  
Kaidan knows and nods and salutes and says: “Yes, Sir.” And: “Understood, Sir.”

Udina didn’t chose him because of his skills but due to his looks. And in doing so the ambassador considered the Commander’s preference for handsome men but missed his intelligence. Kaidan won’t be able to lure Shepard – even if he’d try as expected. As ordered.  
“I want you to win his trust,” Udina had said. “Do anything that’s necessary.”

It’s been very clear what ‛anything’ implied.

And Kaidan had nodded and saluted and said: “Yes, Sir. And: “Understood, Sir.”

He took a long shower. Later. Then he met Shepard. And now –  
On the Normandy he can’t stand under the burning and warm and cold and freezing water – cascades - for minutes, hours. But that’s ok. He is perfectly aware of the fact that drowning won’t help in any sense unless it’d kill him.

**

The squad’s laughter follows Kaidan to his bunk, echoes in his mind in an endless loop, a mocking stitch. He didn’t cause their rather enthusiastic amusement, neither involuntarily nor willfully. It’s not about him; in no way. And maybe… that’s the problem. Kaidan cramps his eyes shut in a squint and pushes down his thoughts and the growing pain in his head which is just another migraine, eager to torture and squash and ravage.

They didn’t laugh at him. Because to do so, they’d have to acknowledge his presence.

Every now and then Shepard initiates a casual meeting with his squad. It’s all about talking, drinking, relieving tension and drinking even more. In the strict sense Kaidan belongs to said squad.  
On paper.  
As well, Shepard never told him to absent himself from the event. But then… Kaidan never tried to join them either, never gave his Commander the opportunity to send him away explicitly.

Knowing that every crew member on the Normandy is in on the truth about him – and he’d be a fool to believe they wouldn’t – makes him to avoid any unnecessary encounter.

And when Kaidan inadvertently walked into them this afternoon while passing the mess on his way to the Med Bay, he was on the edge of turning on his heels. A completely embarrassing urge. Nearly overwhelming, though.

He heard Liara T’Soni thank Staff-Lieutenant Sim Coban for saving her live and saw Coban grinning blatantly at Lieutenant Williams, proud, flirting, blazingly self-confident while ignoring T’Soni.

“It’s nothing,” he said to the Asari and meant: “It’s everything.”  
“Couldn’t let you die, could I?” he said and meant: “You’re an alien. I only saved you because you’re in my squad. And a good soldier looks out for his squad.”

Kaidan didn’t turn on his heels. He went on and passed them and pretended not to listen, not to see, not to understand. Anything at all.  
He’s good in pretending. Pretending that he can and can’t and he will and won’t. Pretending to be good. Be all right. Pretending to be.

“How’s your head, Lieutenant?” Dr. Chakwas had asked and Kaidan had answered: “Bearable.”

“You’ll be alright?” She had asked and Kaidan had answered: “Yes. Sure.” That’s been a lie. Partly at least. His migraine probably won’t kill him.

The squad laughed and Kaidan went to bed. He laid down. Lies. And lies in his bunk.

He can’t sleep.

**

The problem is –


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... it took something about... three hours to post chapter two. (I kinda felt like it. And I had some time.)  
> But the next update won't turn up _that_ fast.

  
The problem is – he likes Shepard.

And not just in that way he likes other good-looking men. It’s strange and different and his skin tingles when the Commander’s blue eyes are aimed on him.

Kaidan wants to touch the lines of anger or worry or silent amusement on the man’s forehead and around his mouth and his eyes, wants to follow them with gentle fingertips. He can almost physically feel the tickle of short hair against his open palm, the absence of that sensation when reaching the thin scar.  
It would make the feeling more intense, Kaidan thinks, and then he fantasizes about biting Shepard’s bottom lip. Digging his teeth into the lush flesh and…

Kaidan thinks of Shepard often. But he is careful to not let it show.

It’s his fault, his weakness. Yet nobody needs to know. He won’t accomplish Udina’s task.

**

They are on the Citadel to report and refill and rest and do all the things, they need to do.

In Kaidan’s case that means: visiting Udina. He hates going down the hallway, hates stepping inside the office and, particularly, hates meeting the ambassador’s eyes. He _does_ enjoy reporting as little as possible.

“You do know how important your work on the Normandy is?” Udina says friendly and earnestly and falsely.

“Yes, Sir.” Kaidan gives a short nod, concentrates on looking serious and reliable. He wants to punch Udina in the face.

“Shepard’s actions as the first human spectre will be the crucial factors for the future of mankind in the universe. If he fails, we’ll lose any progress we achieved so far.”

_And you’re the only one to decide what’d be the right thing to do and what’d be the wrong?_

“Yes, Sir. I perfectly understand.”

_And to make sure he’ll do as you wish, you’ll plant a lover in his bed? Good plan, definitely. Shepard is exactly the man to rely on his sex toy when making important decisions._

“That’s good to hear, Lieutenant. I’ve been in high hopes that you’d do well. You won’t disappoint me, will you?” Udina takes a step toward Kaidan. In the soft glow of artificial sunlight from outside, the grey streaks in his hair gleam like velvet silk. “If you succeed, I’ll recommend you for promotion.”

_Yeah, come on. Give an unworthy guy like me a medal for fucking his superior officer into oblivion. That’d be such a major honor. Such a bright example for your precious mankind._

“I’ll do my best, Sir.”

“I’m sure, you’ll do.” Udina takes another step toward Kaidan. “You’re perfectly suited for that task.”  
Dark brown eyes scan Kaidan’s features and a self-confident hand lies down onto his left shoulder.  
“As I told you before- you’ve not to fear any penalties. That’s a special occasion.” Udina gives Kaidan’s shoulder a short squeeze, smiling and Kaidan tries hard not to recoil.

“Yes – It’s… special. You… are a special man, Lieutenant.” Udina licks his lips and leans closer.

On purpose or unconsciously. Kaidan doesn’t know. Doesn’t care at that moment. He is frozen. His heart rate is picking up, racing, bursting. Blindingly. His mouth opens slightly but he doesn’t want to. His body answers instinctually. Adapts while his mind is screaming.  
“Mmmh, you’re so responsive,” an appraising voice echoes from the past. “It’s ok, baby. Everything’s ok. Just let go.”  
And Kaidan’s body becomes pliant.

He waits until Udina –

The ambassador’s hand leaves Kaidan’s shoulder, hoovers indecisively. One breath. Two. A sigh.

Udina takes a step back, clasps the hands behind his back. Shoulders square, gaze closed and blank he says: “That’s all, Lieutenant. You may leave now.”

Kaidan salutes and turns and leaves mechanically. He feels the cool sweat on his forehead and in his neck. It’s aggravating. His head hurts and his jaw. With an abrasive motion Kaidan sweeps his sleeve over his face, nearly scratches himself.  
He runs into Shepard on his way back to nowhere and tries to ignore the man’s stare. Tries to walk away unhurriedly.

Walks away.

“You all right, Lieutenant?” Shepard had asked.

“Yes, Sir!” That’s been the only possible answer.

 _You all right, Lieutenant? Kaidan? You all right? – I will be._ But that’s a lie.

**

Later, when the artificial light on the Citadel suggests that the day is supposed to draw to a close, Kaidan finds himself at the one place he promised himself not to visit again. He always makes that promise and he always reneges on it.

It’s a secretive club deep inside the Citadel’s body. Labyrinthine. Dark. Sultry. Full of offers and possibilities. Visited by professionals and by those who seek amusement and a joyful pastime and rest and action and whatever you could wish to seek.  
In a mindful manner, of course. There _are_ rules.

Kaidan feels the eyes on him like actual touches. He wanders around. Not ready to leave but not ready to settle either.  
He shakes his head and says: “No.” And: “Thank you.” And: “Perhaps later.” Hasn’t made his decision yet.

The music is pervasive. A deep and rolling beat which vibrates in his bones and grazes his skin. There was a time when he used to dance a lot and used to let hands touch him everywhere while doing so. Hands in his hair, on his chest and back and his arms and legs and hips and his backside and his groin.  
Today he crosses the dance floor, deliberately but without lingering.

There are Asari all around. Kaidan could have them. Some for free but most of them are professionals.  
He could have one or two or many. Udina pays him good. In some way he is like the Asari, isn’t he? He could offer himself - in some kind of fucked up game. Has done it before.

But not today. By no means. That’s the first part of a decision.

The dance floor is surrounded by red painted ground and behind that are comfortable booths – some completely shielded against curious gazes, others – not.  
That’s why Kaidan can see Shepard, lounging in a broad, dark purple upholstered armchair. An Asari is dancing on the table in front of him, wearing nothing than mocking innocent-white panties. Shepard’s hand is on his trousers, working himself through the fabric.

Kaidan stops and stares. And stares. And stares when Shepard turns his head to look at him.  
And stares, when Shepard opens his trousers and takes out his erection – hard and big and glistening on the top – and when the Asari goes on her knees, takes the straining flesh into her mouth, her throat and Shepard’s eyes fall shut, his head falls back, his mouth falls open, moaning and when the Asari swallows and licks her lips like she had devoured the most delicious meal ever.  
Kaidan stares when Shepard stands up, stands still, allows just one hand’s width between their noses and lips and eyes. Breath mingles and every sound is far away. Shepard is going to say something.

Kaidan knows it, can feel it and prepares inwardly. Tries.  
He could fall apart any moment. It’s just…

Shepard keeps silent. He goes past Kaidan, leaves without a single point of contact, leaves without touching. Silently.

He wanted to say something. Didn’t do it, though.

Kaidan exhales. Relieved. Disappointed, somehow. Then he makes his decision, goes around the dance floor this time, goes through the left hallway, toward the exit. And stops in front of a tall guy with blond hair and big muscles and tattoos all over.  
The guy leers. He has a small gap between his front teeth and a broad nose which probably has been broken once.

Kaidan stops and doesn’t leave as planned. He feels the sudden burst of arousal deep inside his stomach and his groin. The guy isn’t that good looking. But he is strong and Kaidan needs –

“Turn around,” he says and the other man complies.

“Hands against the wall.”

He _needs_ – Kaidan pushes down his trousers and the guy’s trousers and asks: “Lube?” He didn’t make plans, didn’t decide before. Didn’t bring anything. Didn’t make it real in his mind.

A bottle is pushed into his hands and then he pushes himself. First his fingers, deep down inside the warmth and shortly after his dick. Kaidan moans. He isn’t gentle, needs to take control, needs to be harsh and demanding and when the guy in front of him – around him – whimpers and pushes back and is open and desperate, he fucks the man even harder, digs his fingers in strong muscles and pounds and groans.

The voice near his ear startles him.

“Hey,” someone whispers and puts his hand on Kaidan’s ass. “May I join you?”

Kaidan shakes his head – _no_ – and grinds back against the stranger, body and mind divided in two.

“Come on, handsome.” The stranger bites his earlobe and Kaidan fucks into the muscular guy’s body in a rapid succession, flesh hitting flesh loudly.

Silent laughter grazes Kaidan’s cheek and his neck and an elegant finger prods at his mouth, asks for admittance in a weirdly polite way. It’s tempting to just give in. The whole situation threatens to slip from Kaidan’s hands.

The strong guy whimpers and rotates his hips, calls attention to the fact that Kaidan has stopped moving. Kaidan slaps him on the right buttock. Hard. And on the left. Harder.

He brushes the strangers hand away but grabs his wrist. He sticks his own middle finger into his mouth and his index and his ring finger, sucks once and twice because it feels good and after that starts to open himself. He does it fast and careless.  
Not for the sake of the man in front of him or the one behind. Not for his own sake either. Not entirely. It’s just – There’s no place for gentleness. For no one.

When he tugs on the stranger’s wrist and the man asks for lube, Kaidan spits into his own hand, closes it around the other’s dick and pulls. _You want to fuck me? Then do it!_

It burns. Of course it does. There are long and soft fingers on his hips, glans against his ass, pushing in, carefully, tearing him open and wide and Kaidan bites down on the muscular man’s neck. He needs more and pushes back in one rough motion, tastes blood on his tongue and feels tears on his cheeks. He needs –

The stranger’s fingers are like iron on his hips all of a sudden, hold him place. He kisses Kaidan’s ear conch. “Slow down, handsome,” he whispers. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Fuck you!” Kaidan hisses. Anger buzzes through his whole body. He is trembling and panting and gasping. Uncontrollably.

“No. I’m going to fuck _you_.” The stranger still sounds so agonizingly tender. “But only if you want me to.”

“Hell – You… Damnit, you’re already inside me. And I’m gonna kill you… if you stop now!” Kaidan breaks the strangers grip, buries his dick deep inside the muscular guy and pulls back and impales himself and pushes forward and pulls back and –

It’s good. He fucks himself and he fucks another man. It’s his rhythm, his pace, his scene. The anger doesn’t subside but that’s good, too. He feels it, allows it, doesn’t restrain anything. He flows in a sea of emotion and it’s overwhelming.

**

“You have been crying,” the stranger says. Later.

“That’s not your business.” Kaidan doesn’t try to get a better look at the man’s face. It’s irrelevant. They won’t meet again.

Now, as the arousal fades and the boiling emotions cool down, Kaidan feels the first signs of embarrassment. He has done it and lost control. And like every time he promises to himself that this won’t happen again.  
Luckily – It only ever happened with strangers. So Kaidan could walk away. Forget them.

Like he does now.


	3. Three

  
Ashley Williams, Gunnery Chief of the Normandy, has long, dark hair and beautiful eyes. When she kisses Kaidan he is too startled to react at all.

It only lasts a few seconds until she pulls back, voice pitched low when she says:

“Well.”

She taps the knuckles of her right hand against her lower lip, clears her throat and repeats: “Well.” And clears her throat again. “That’s embarrassing.”

“I’m not that much interested in women,” Kaidan explains – not the true explanation but no lie as well.

“And you’re definitely not interested in _me_.”

And Kaidan shrugs, tries a smile which makes the corners of his mouth cramp and feels alien and awkward. “Sorry.”

“Too bad.” Williams sighs. “Why is it always that the men I like don’t want me and the others won’t get out of my hair?”

“Coban?” Kaidan asks, his chest suddenly cold and aching and… furious. “Did he – “

“What? No. Just, no.” Williams laughs. “He didn’t try anything more than flirting and being incredibly annoying. And if he did – Try… I’d have killed him. I’m a big girl. And I have guns.”

She laughs again and Kaidan’s chest is still aching. He takes a deep breath, does his best to calm down.

“But…” She adds. “Thanks. For your concern. It’s almost sweet. Nonetheless – Now I’ve to kill _you_.”

“Because you’re a big girl and you don’t need someone who tries to protect you?” For some reason Kaidan feels himself smirking and it doesn’t feel wrong.

“Exactly.”

**

The Gunnery Chief told him to call her Ashley. Kaidan didn’t object.

And he doesn’t care a fig for the evil gazes he receives from Coban.

Ashley can be rough at times and can be nice and he likes her. They talk to each other more and more frequently. She is full of curiosity and Kaidan full of lies. But she doesn’t know and for all that he enjoys her questions.

Her company.

“I’ve had a crush on a girl when I was sixteen,” he tells her - one of those confessions which are actually true.

“So she was an exception.”

“Yes.”

“Because you’re usually more interested in men.”

“That’s part of it.”

“Okay…?”

“She’s also had a very particularly sweet birthmark on her right thigh,” Kaidan says. This will lead to questions he can answer or deflect with faked embarrassment. It’s better than lying to Ashley.

He really likes her. In a way you like a good friend. Kaidan thinks. He has never had a good friend before.

**

“Garrus,” Shepard says and the Turian gives a short nod, no more words necessary and starts seeking out an advantage point suited for a sniper.

They’ve been following a distress call and now they’re on a small planet full of sand and rocks and even more sand – hard to walk about, easy to hide when you’re in the right spot, easy to get lost.

“Lieutenant!” Shepard’s voice cuts through Kaidan’s mind like a sharp blade, cuts deep and merciless. They haven’t talked about – Haven’t checked with each other. There are no words. About the club. And.  
Kaidan hasn’t even thought about it till now. Or – he hasn’t allowed the thoughts to take place, take over his mind. To break in.

However, there are worse things. To keep out. Between weathered rocks and white sand. Colorful. Red. Soaked with blood.

“Lieutenant Alenko! Pull yourself together!”

Kaidan has seen dead bodies before. Has fought and hurt and killed. It’s so easy to snap a neck. So – He chokes and closes his eyes for a tiny moment and tears them open again. The pictures in his mind aren’t. Good. At all.

“I’m. All right, Commander,” he says.

“Then move your ass!” Shepard’s voice is like steal. Unchanged. Chilling. He demands obedience. He gave an order.

And Kaidan concentrates on the coldness on this overheated planet and crouches down next to a young girl. Her face is frazzled and wet. With blood. He can see her teeth and her palate because the lips are gone.

“Check if anyone is still alive,” Shepard had ordered.

Kaidan’s the one who achieved a basic med education. So it’s his task to confirm death over death over death.  
He doesn’t believe that anybody had survived. The whole camp is gone. Massacred.

There are children. Little piles of flesh. Kaidan fights against the sick and awful feeling in his stomach. Three children and he can’t do anything than crouch and shake his head. No breath. No pulse beat.

Shepard follows him from body to body, the weapon in his hand, ready to shoot and ready to – The Commander’s eyes fix on him whenever Kaidan looks up and Kaidan straightens his back.

_I’m strong enough_ , he wants to say, feels the sweat on his face and everywhere. It’s the goddamn heat.

He crouches again and looks up again and sees the sweat on Shepard’s face. A pale and tight face, jaw clenched and beautiful lips thin.

Too pale.

Kaidan points at a nearby stone. It’s edged and white with grey and smudgy veins. “Sit down,” he tells Shepard and tolerates no protest.

“I am the medic here,” he says and thinks: _Not a real one. Just – As ever. Imperfect._ But he says: “I’m the medic here.” And Shepard sits down.

Later, when they are on their way back to the Normandy with no one rescued and no one punished, Kaidan closes his eyes and knows that his nightmares have gained new inspiration and feels ill and sad and stupid.

**

Shepard is standing in the Mess, drinking a cup of coffee and looks at Kaidan and – almost. Smiles. It’s a soft tug. Wrinkles near the left corner of his mouth, almost invisible, and on his cheek. The shadows beneath his eyes are dark, more than _almost_ visible.

But he is smiling. And says: “Lieutenant.” Nods.

And Kaidan stands still and stares like he did in – And he pushes away the images, doesn’t cough, doesn’t blush, forces out: “Commander,” the letters heavy on his tongue like alien _things_ which are cutting his palate, which can’t be swallowed down. He puts them together and – Has used this word so many times before. _Commander. Sir. Yes, Sir._ It _should_ be easy.

Shepard jerks his head, a simple gesture, to his right.  
“Join me,” he says and makes another cup of coffee, hands it to Kaidan.

They are standing side by side.

Both leaning against the counter and Kaidan can see Shepard’s lips from the corner of his eyes. Can see them parting for the cup and then parting for himself, moving around words.  
“Are you comfortable aboard the Normandy?” he asks.

A stupid question.

Kaidan nods and says: “Yes, Sir,” and lies. “I am, Sir.”

“Ah, Sorry.” Shepard coughs, silently, looks down into his cup. “That’s been a – I didn’t mean to…”

“I use to talk to Ash – Gunnery Chief Williams,” Kaidan feels the need to say.

“I know.” Shepard puts the cup from his right hand into his left and into his right and strokes his thumb over the plain material and stills. “I want you to know, Lieutenant… I won’t allow that personal matters affect the work of any of my crew members. And if there is the slightest sign –“

Shepard stops and Kaidan nods, shakes his head, takes the first sip of his coffee. It’s bitter and strong. “Understood,” he says. “Sir.” He takes another sip. Still bitter. Of course. “No need to… uhm… worry, Sir. It won’t. I mean… There’ nothing which could –“

“Okay.”

They are standing side by side.

And Kaidan feels strange and the whole conversation feels strange and he remembers what he is supposed to do. Watch. Seduce. Control. Doesn’t know what he wants to do.

“You aren’t exactly the chatty type, Alenko, are you?”

“I’m not, Sir.”

“Me neither.”

_This seems – unlikely. You’re seldom alone. You’re constantly with your crew and you talk and they talk and… You ask questions and they talk. They talk, you don’t. You’re always listening._

They are standing side by side.

And Kaidan can’t stop. He can’t stop noticing the other man’s mouth. Lips. Soft and slightly parted.  
He can’t stop thinking about the Asari’s mouth, opened wide and moving and _full_. And moaning and breath and naked flesh and –

Kaidan jerks, stands straight, moves sidewards. One step. He needs to leave. “I,” he says and then falls silent.

When he steps into the elevator, he notices the cup in his hand. Still there. Forgotten.

**

On Virmire Ashley dies and Kaidan doesn’t and it’s… emptiness. Kaidan’s world reduces to black and grey and nothing else. Numb. _Why me?_ He should ask. _Why her?_ But his tongue won’t form the words, his throat aching and burning and useless.

Coban hits him when they are alone in the hallway. There is blood and pain and Coban hits him again. And again. “It’s your fault!” Coban cries. “You should have died!” he cries and Kaidan doesn’t disagree.

He doesn’t even try to defend himself. Just stands there and, when his knees give in, lies on the ground, chocking on his blood and his guilt until everything fades away.

He comes back to consciousness in the Med Bay. His whole body hurts. His vision is bleary. Dark spots and stained shades and white flashes and Dr. Chakwas and Commander Shepard. Just on the other side of the room. A tiny noise escapes his lips and suddenly they are near, hovering above him. Kaidan blinks. Coughs. And –

“Don’t,” says Chakwas. He doesn’t know what she means but doesn’t care either. He closes his eyes.

There are still dark spots and stained shades and white flashes.

Ashley is dead and Kaidan lives. He wishes it were vice verca.

**

“Why didn’t you defend yourself?” Shepard asks, sitting in a chair next to Kaidan’s bed in the Med Bay.

Kaidan shrugs and groans and bites his tongue. Three broken ribs, the left wrist sprained and the elbow broken as well, a large number of hematomas and bruises, luckily no internal bleeding.  
Chakwas had listed his injuries with her steady and serious voice and didn’t ask: “Are you all right?”

He is grateful for that.

“Lieutenant,” Shepard insists, then falls silent. His beautiful mouth looks hard on the edges, his forehead is furrowed. Rugged. And those blue eyes are blank and burning all the same.  
“We are heading back to the Citadel,” Shepard eventually says as if there’s more than one meaning behind his words.

And Kaidan gets it. Staff Lieutenant Sim Coban will leave the Normandy and never come back. Kaidan feels – He… “Coban is angry. And sad. He is in love with Ashley. Was. I mean, he still does, probably. But she is –” The words tumble out of Kaidan’s mouth, only the last one stays inside and crawls through his flesh like acid.

“And in your opinion that gives him the right –“ Shepard’s nostrils flare, tremble and his left eyelid twitches. Briefly. His whole posture switches from apprehensive and slightly upset to incandescently furious in a split second. “God damn it!”  
Now it’s not only the Commander’s nostrils which are trembling. “He punched you! And kicked you! Broke your ribs! He wouldn’t have stopped if it hadn’t been for Garrus! And – YOU DEFEND HIM?”

Kaidan meets Shepard’s eyes straight on. Unwavering. Mouth set and mind set and –

“What the hell is wrong with you, Alenko?”

Kaidan is calm. So terribly, agonizingly calm it hurts deep inside. Or. It should hurt. But he is calm and numb.

“You left Virmire alive. You could at least – You’re not the one who died, dammit! Ashley did and it’s your fucking responsibility to -”

“I never asked for it,” Kaidan declares. His voice sounds weird. Strangely foreign. But who cares.

“You…” The Commander falls silent again. And this time he keeps silent, actually _stumbling_ to his feet and breathing too hard, too fast. He would have slammed the door while leaving if it’d be possible – Kaidan’s sure about that.

Later Kaidan tries to sleep.

Much later Chakwas gives him some pills. And he sleeps.

**

Shepard doesn’t visit him again.


	4. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay...

  
On a Monday – but it’s irrelevant which day of the week it is and would Kaidan be on earth it probably would be misty and raining and cold and that’s irrelevant, too – he has an exceptionally intense and brutal migraine.

Lying in his bunk, trying not to scream because any noise would make it worse and any movement as well, the only thing Kaidan can do is waiting.

When he was young, maybe five years old, still with his parents, still in Vancouver, he once captured a butterfly and put it in a glass and closed the lid and didn’t know that he had to put holes in it. The little creature suffocated and Kaidan’s mother scolded him for being so thoughtless, for having killed an animate being.

His father said: “Live is unfair and cruel,” and scolded him for crying. “You wonna be the butterfly? Then go on like this.”

And Kaidan decided to be strong and capable.

But he never was. Not the way he should be. Either too weak or too –  
Just not right. Wrong. Always and forever wrong.

Waiting.

**

Sometimes he still sees Rhana in his dreams. Her gentle smile and kind eyes and beautiful air when she gazed at things only she could see. Precious, fragile girl. And Kaidan realizes that she was the butterfly and that there was no shame in it.  
And he realizes - he has never been anything like that.

Everyone loved her, _of course_ , and treasured her mere presence and especially Kaidan felt like that, wanted to protect her, failed, _of course_.

She wasn’t meant for him, anyway. Kaidan knows it and wakes from his dreams and indulges another one until he becomes aware of his weakness. And then he asks himself: _Why?_  
Shepard is completely different from Rhana, in character and appearance and gender and everything and Kaidan shouldn’t keep thinking of him. Won’t do it again, he promises himself. Again and again and every time he knows –

He knows that Rhana noticed.

Actually – he remembers her quite often and it’s all about her and not in the slightest. About her.  
There is an insistent voice asking – and Kaidan will never answer - if he ever was in love or had a crush or if he just was drawn to her and let himself be drawn because she was safe. And friendly. And acceptable.

And she would never- She smiled at him.

A strong arm around his shoulder, not Rhana’s, definitely not hers, and around his waist and on his knee and a whispering voice in his ear. “Hey there, lonely boy.” Warm breath on his cheek and his neck.  
And he says _no_ , but doesn’t want to. And says _yes_ , and shouldn’t want to.  
And he sighs and gasps and arches his back.

**

“Stop faltering and do what you are meant to do,” Shepard tells Kaidan and makes his stomach drop and convulse and freezes his heart but the Commander didn’t refer to –

Udina’s task is far away and still it lingers. Breathes down Kaidan’s neck. Hot and malicious but Shepard didn’t refer to it. Not once. Not now and he says:

“Do what you are meant to do.”

And Kaidan takes hold of his biotics, feels them burn in his head, ravage his bones and skin – too much – and tears his senses open and wide till there is nothing left and everything is more and more and more. It’s agonizing, beyond words and wonderful. Overwhelming. Kaidan tastes his blood, salty and metallic on his lips and his tongue. Running out of his nose.

“Nothing to worry about,” he reassures. “It happens sometimes.” It does. “I’m perfectly in control.” He is. More often than not.

“All right -” Shepard says and it sounds wrong but they are fighting and the Commander just keeps shooting and slicing and searching for cover.

Later, Kaidan smiles. He knows, there is blood on his teeth.

**

Shepard takes Kaidan on three more missions and he does his best to hack terminals and to use his biotics and to kill and to slaughter. Husks. He enjoys it, tries to not let it show. And he kills members of this shadowy organization named Cerberus and he enjoys this not very much – but… maybe… a little bit - and tries to not let it show either.

And when Shepard talks to Vakarian and T’Soni and the Quarian or anyone else, but not to Kaidan, never to him apart from giving orders, Kaidan stays blank. His voice, his face, his mind.

And when there is no Ashley any more who tells him to try a smile, now and then and mocks him with a cheeky swing to her lips and asks him: “How are you?” and: “Did you ever eat real vanilla pudding? It tastes like – like wind in… or, better… like falling in love for the – Ugh, that sounds awfully sentimental, doesn’t it?” and: “Did you ever feel lonely being an only child?”, he feels his fingers cramp and his shoulders straighten.  
His inner voice keeps silent, whispers sometimes but never loud enough, doesn’t answer. Because. What’s the use of lying to a dead.  
Or talking to or thinking of her or remembering while you know it’s your fault. Remembering and thinking on and on and on and –

**

They defeat Saren. Or, more precisely, Shepard defeats Saren with the help of his crew and his squad and Kaidan on the sideline.

They end the threat and the council sends them out into space again to search and find and kill. Cleanup efforts. And the idea that there is maybe another threat waiting, lurking, is –

“Everything’s all right. No need to worry,” the council says.

“Everything’s alright,” Kaidan repeats to himself but for completely other reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll continue posting within the next days.


End file.
